Asked and not answered

So, I am pretty sure I am not alone in this-and if I had to guess I would say most people feel this way.  Somehow those, the females closest to me in my life don’t feel the need to respond when I ask them a question.

Its really pretty amazing. I  don’t think I am a burden to any of them, yet, should I ask a question, its often on the third or fourth time that I get an answer as if the question is merely background noise–not something to be focused upon.

Now chances are I am actually interested in the answer, otherwise why would I ask the question?

Ah well-when I am asked, I try to answer.  When I ask, I suppose it shall be unanswered.

Helping Ourselves

So I take the girls to see their mother in the hospital. I tell myself it’s good for everyone. And what happens mom throws abdit over a chest xray and refuses it. Now I have to explain to the girls what just happend. Never do I experience her doing anything to help herself. And now the girls don’t as well.

It is what it is

So, when I look back at Christmas 2009 I can honestly say I am not sure how I will remember it.  To be clear, I’m not a celebrant of the birth of Christ in any way….its just that as most people are preparing for the holiday, down time or maybe even a vacation….

I was calling an ambulance to have my wife taken to the hospital and then explaining to my kids what was going on.

A week ago she had another round of chemo, but instead of recovering in the usual 2-3 days–this time a week later she was completely dehydrated and literally wasting away in an incontinent mess.

And the reality is this is probably the next phase in what will be a mostly slow down hill progression that I will have to guide the girls through. I can’t hide it from them, but can only hope I have prepared them for it.

It is what it is–and its going to be what it will be.

Suppose I Have Kharma Going For Me

So tonight I could have gone to a three-star restaurant and had a nice time with some good people at a corportate holiday event.

Instead I ended up in a booth eating spaghetti at a local pizza place with my girls. Now I rarely get to eat dinner with the girls during the week so it was great. But still just thinking about what I could have done.

Ah well. Nice time with the girls. Making the best and hoping my kharma points stay high.

Guess my life is not as fucked as i think

So a bunch of shit web down over the weekend and a friend of mine reminded me of FML. So I DL’d the iPhone app and posted a story about my weekend and how fucked my life is. Guess what? Not fucked enough. My FML was rejected by the community. Now I am not sure if that’s good or bad.

Played? Or a Player?

Ever wonder if you have been played or if you are a player without even knowing it?

Kind of my thoughts tonight. Am I really the one? Or a victim of a manipulative game? A player in the game on an equal footing? Or someone who has been run over-been played and set aside.

Perhaps I am the one-or maybe not

When Best Intentions Are Shot Down

I suppose no good deed goes unpunished. Such it was tonight. I set out for a nice evening. Did some cooking was ready to enjoy. When well I am not sure what struck. Nice night over, replaced by sniping and lonely. So it goes, so it goes.

A fuck it all kind of night

so a small comment can get blown up and the larger issue is left unsaid. but you know what, tonight? I say fuck it all. why should I worry when no one else does? I have a lot on my plate right now. can live without the drama. can live without the pressure. just once I am going to be selfish. I know I have not done anything.

Is there a bottom?

Physically I have what would be described as broad shoulders.  Figuratively I am what would be described as someone who takes on a lot.

And lately, that combination has not helped me.

It’s what I call the 80% rule, and in my case it’s just not good enough.  Too often I feel like my best effort only gets me 80% of the way there.  And what is incredibly frustrating to me is that someone I respect a lot once sat me down and explained to me about the devil in the details, and its the end of the line where the details come together.

Did I do enough? Did I do all I can do?

Too often as I look inward I answer, “No.”

As Aretha would say R E S P E C T

Generally I try to treat others the way I want to be treated. I try to show respect understanding and even some compassion.

It would be naive to think it will always be reciprocated. But lately even those close to me seem to have two sets of rules. The ones on how they expect to be treated and the other how they treat others.

Guess when all you want is respect sometimes you just have to settle for recognition.